Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust

[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO

How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?

One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.

*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*

Pretty fly for a white guy.

ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*

I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.

If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.

When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.

That’s the moment you wish you had kids.

The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”

“Are you still watching?”

Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.

Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games

Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.

“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels

Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America

“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer

[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man

Son: Teach me to fight

Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*

[later]

Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground

Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him

In the original ancient Greek Olympic games, many of the athletes competed naked. It made the trampoline a lot of fun, the men’s hurdles not so much.

Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?

Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything

Overheard neighborhood story:

First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.

Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.

everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”

And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”

A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.

[first guy to be sent to hell]

guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup

There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce

When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account

The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot

I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”