Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?

Captain America: Um sure.

Spiderman: What should I do?

Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.

You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,

A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.

There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.

My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.

*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*

I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses

11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O

[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood

I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.

Ya’ll ok with me grating a lil bit of my finger into this cheese for the casserole? Too late.

*Uses public restroom

**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel

My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.

[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”

ME: I dreamed about you last night

PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir

you never realize how long a minute is until you’re doing cardio.

WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.

Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good

– Jack and the beans talk

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself

If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.

Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.

If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.

I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.

HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s

[Call from cell company]

We can give you 15 gigs for $100

Me: Excellent!

*Puts the band back together

Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.

my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*

me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT

Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.

saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower

I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.