“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
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I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”