Smells like a challenge to me
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Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
🤯🤯🤯
Remember when we used to jump out of the swings? Those knees were fresh.. fresh out the box
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.