Smells like a challenge to me
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[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.