smh
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when you don’t want to be too vague
I’m Sold!
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
if you sweat while you eat it should count as a workout
Cameraman here. If I’m in the newsroom during a live news broadcast I ring my mates and they get their kids to watch, as I tell them to look at the newsreader’s shoulder, at which point I stand up and magically appear in the background. The kids love it.
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
Customer is always right
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.