smh
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detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
me when I see my crush
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”