smh
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I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
“Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” by “Wham” is my favourite song about wanting to slap someone if they did that.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?