smh
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I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Dude acted like he’s never seen a guy eating a rotisserie chicken in the hotel sauna before.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
Oops 🤭
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
I WON A HAM TODAY
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”