smh
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Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
monkey is a funny ass word and whoever named them that really killed it those things are monkeys for sure