Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
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At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
Just had to take a urine sample to my GP and at reception they asked me “does the doctor know about this already”. No, no. I just brought a cup of my wee as a present. Please don’t spoil the surprise.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
Every time someone blocks you, you should lose a letter.
“Hlp! Whts hppnng? cn’t wrt nthng!”
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO