Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
You Might Also Like
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.