Smile they said.
You Might Also Like
Banana is the quietest snack
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
No one:
My 3yo: H I J K Elmo Elmo P
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
‘Bring your child to work day’ discriminates against those of us who choose not to have a job.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me