Smile they said.
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this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
i feel so bad i refunded him
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Went fishing and actually caught a fish. So now I gotta deal with this shit
Thanks, Facebook, for reminding me that on this very day back in 2012 I used a stick of butter to grease the 3 year old’s trapped legs from a bunk bed ladder.
Parenting is fun.
The Birdles
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
Podcasts are like having real friends. This is insulting to your actual friends, but they brought that on themselves.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
I’m starting a petition to get abacuses mounted on to all Zimmer Frames. I hope I can count on your support.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.