Smile Twitter, Smile.
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“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
Story time
do not take me to an escape room. i was a c-section. someone is gonna have to come get me
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
*uses phone flashlight to look for phone*
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
Welcome to your 40s, your level of cleaning is directly related to whether your guest can see without readers.
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
Billy Joel: We didn’t start the fire…
Smoky the Bear: No. Of course not. Nobody ever does. *rolls eyes*
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch