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Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff