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Straight people are cancelled
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
The cool thing about ignoring a notification is being surprised to see it over and over again
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
My guy didn’t reply to his girl for two weeks and told me that “you gotta give them time to miss you” and now she got a new man
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
my powerpoints are getting increasingly desperate as the semester goes on
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.