Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
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Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
True story 🤣
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
If we run out of candy, I’m passing out Taco Bell sauce packets. Don’t worry, they’re mild or I would’ve eaten them by now.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean