Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.

Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no

A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”

1.

Orange cat behavior 😂

Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard

Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep

Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing

As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?

I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*

[Bar]

Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.

Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.

You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?

I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.

The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”

I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.

Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for

There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”

Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours

I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.

*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*

Wife: OMG, Are you OK?

Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!

Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.

Me: Wait, What??

Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!

Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.

To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.

[being chased by a murderer]

Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!

Murderer: *stabs me*

If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?

#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..

Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.

Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.

Me: so was this pie

Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night

Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.

Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!

Me: Funny how?

My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”