Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.

I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.

Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.

There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.

Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.

Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the body

Me looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?

[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.

HER: I love classic rock

ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon

It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said

“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac

Washing machine doesn’t give a shit

I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo

🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?

I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.

someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??

Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.

buying dead houseplants to save time

Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!

Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.

When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.

Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.

me: i wish i could have sex before i die

genie: granted

me: [873 years old] motherfu

There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.

I may be small, but so is a grenade.

Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie

Devil: I’ve got an idea

The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.

Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”

My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters

“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel