Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
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That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
The Flo Rida song Friday bothers me so much
“I wish every day was Friday.”
The magic of Friday is the anticipation of the weekend, and if every day was Friday there would be no weekend.
No one let this man make a wish on a monkey paw.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
when you order from DoorDastardly
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
🤣✨#caturday
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
This was only “the biggest IT outage ever” if you exclude the period from 13.7 billion BC to the mid 20th century
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.