Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
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Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
Someone has been running a leaf blower off and on for about 2 hours now & I’m starting to understand murder
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?