Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?

“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders

Me: Makes a Reddit post about my efforts to avoid arguing about politics with my parents over Thanksgiving.

Reddit users: Yeah, but you probably want to argue politics with strangers, right? Because I’m angry about the following things…

Nope, no thank you.

There are 2 types of buyers in me:

1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago

2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??

Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.

How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7

Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired

Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday

Most people: I guess balloons are ok

Me:

I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.

ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder

*1 week later

ME: You still want a divorce?

THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING

There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.

The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra

One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.

I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.

*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost

how many bears make up a bear minimum

The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.

Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan

Cat:

Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *

* Looking for my gloves in the shed

IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD

Cooking a roast dinner is much better than having one cooked for you, because you can eat pretty much a whole extra serving while you’re making it. For instance, I just “tested” three roast potatoes. Next I’m going to test a Yorkshire pudding.

I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.

You an Obituary liar.

That means you DEAD@$$ lying

I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.

My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”

5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?

Me: After lunch time

5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now

changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities

[First Date]

Him: So many choices Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?

Me: Sure

Him to waiter: BLT, please

Me: I’ll have the same

When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”

…I am not a catfish.

Why am I like this?

I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.