Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
You Might Also Like
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
me after drinking all the wine:
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit