Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.

I don’t make the rules.

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I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me


Me: can I buy you a drink?

Girl: no

Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right


I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.


Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?


While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.


Biden: “Guess who just upper-decked the toilet outside the Oval Office?”
Obama: “Dammit Joe, I have to live here for two more months”


me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead

friend: it’s cool, we have a map

me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone


I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.


I wore a mask to run errands today

Accidentally robbed a bank