Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
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I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.