Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
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[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan