Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

not gonna lie it was a little disturbing to learn that a large amount of the post-apocalyptic jargon in Mad Max / Furiosa is actually just regular Australian slang

BOSS: why are you late?

ME:

Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.

Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?

That’s kind of worrying.

Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)

Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?

(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)

Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?

A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.

Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car

birds: it’s peaceful this morning

birds: maybe too peaceful

birds: let’s all scream at once

Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐

My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”

Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!

Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.

[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]

“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”

A two-step guide to warning someone not to hit their head:

1. Wait until they’ve hit their head
2. Say “ooh, mind your head”

Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings

[reading online survey]

Are you ready to double your satisfaction?

My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.

*clicks yes*

“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.

[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen

Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?

I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.

Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.

The software development process

i can’t fix this

*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*

oh it was a typo, cool

“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”

Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.

*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB

Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.

Thank you. I’ll be here all night.

My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.

Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”

She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.

Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.