smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
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At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”
the devil works hard but the single multivitamin i take after making unhealthy choices for weeks works harder
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
what do you mean you’re the glamdalorian
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
a depressed madame curie is a sighentist.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?