Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
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Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
4 Mesh Shirts That Will Make You Look Like A Sexy Little Asian Pear
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
Waking up a teen for school:
1st try: Time to wake up.
3rd try: Please get up.
10th try: GET UP NOW!Teen: Why are you yelling?
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
By Kate Hatos
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
Sorry I was late I was frantically applying to other jobs
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.