Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
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Lisa is still trying to catch all those cats. She sent me this picture and I cannot stop laughing.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
pesto is just an Italian word that means “produced by pounding” so in a way we are all pesto
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
