Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.

two people or more is called a problem

Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes

My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need

kid: whats the meaning of life?

me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end

kid: where do babies come from?

me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…

Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.

i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb

Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.

Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of Netflix

Me: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead

Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.

Great news my neighbor just pedaled by on a road bike wearing spandex and when I waved at him he made finger guns so I’m no longer the least cool neighbor on my street!

That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.

[grocery store]
Cashier: hi there

Customer: hello

Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol

For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.

“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”

“The bride has also written her own vows.”

*first date*

Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money

Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body

– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.

You think you’re having a bad day? My daughter learned that the average woman spends 10 years on her period and believed it to mean all at once.

It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after

I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.

Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.

It’s a vicious cycle.

When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.

What is the difference between unlawful and illegal?

One is against the law, the other is a sick bird

if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking

Me to my sister who just gave birth & is recovering from a c-section: “ok so it didn’t really begin to spin out of control until AP published a story saying he did NOT have sex with a couch”

I’m so glad the internet is like this now.

1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping

Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things

Also me:

Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.

*gains winter weight for “insulation”

*is now fat and cold

There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.