[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
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Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Apologizing after bumping into a mannequin is embarrassing, but apologizing a second time is significantly worse when the mannequin moves and you realize you just said “sorry, I thought you were a person” to a live human being
When you don’t understand how floors work
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: here? with you?
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
the most incredible thing about James Bond is the way he can walk into any hotel room and immediately know how to use the shower
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
My dad told me a guy who claimed to be the drummer for steppenwolf stole his wallet in the Sacramento airport so I pulled up a picture and he was like “wow that’s the guy”
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
