Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again

Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’

If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.

my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair

R.I.P. 2024 (2024 – 2024)

I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.

her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*

me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*

Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom

[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?

Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?

Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.

Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?

Whether you rip off a bandaid quickly or slowly, I find it’s best to ask the wearer’s permission first.

Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.

[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s

You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.

Don’t throw away old pyjamas. Collect as many pairs as you can, and in the middle of the night spread them out on Russell Brand’s front lawn so that when he wakes up he’ll think he’s missed the Rapture.

‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’

‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-

*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*

-was jumping in.’

If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.

God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes

Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?

God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!

Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-

God: ALL THE NECKS!

Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.

DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!

[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself

When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.

Difficult, not impossible

I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.

My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.

A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.

It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it

Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.

Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice

Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem