Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*

INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.

If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?

ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!

If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.

Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.

ME: I would like a complaint form

ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left

ME: I would like two complaint forms

Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.

Me: Are you serious?

Him: I shit you knot.

One building was torn down by a wrecking ball, another building was bulldozed. They were razed differently.

I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.

Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.

What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.

Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.

“What kind of dog do you have?”

“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”

“And what kind of cat?”

“Orange”

Me: *leans in for a kiss

CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???

A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.

The best part about sleeping alone is not having to share my blanket or rotisserie chicken

*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*

Repeat

Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*

Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe

Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.

Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball

Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.

At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.

“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.

Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…

GET DOWN!

What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.

My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.

“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”

Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older

I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”