*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
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If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,