Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”

is this a threat

Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.

Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?

I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap

Rose: I’ll never let go

Jack: are you sure aboat that lol

Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before

Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo

Rose: maybe you should let go

Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.

just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh

I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”

On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.

The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single

At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.

My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”

If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.

Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”

Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!

Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.

[slowly crosses McRib off my manifesto]

Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.

If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.

millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to

My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person

DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]

To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.

I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.

[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]

For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar

Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.