Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret

My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.

I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.

My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.

How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?

Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .

When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.

WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.

[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?

My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”

Pray for me

cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest

Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?

If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.

PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there

Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.

Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]

Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳

Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄

Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️

Bluetick 1: ❤️

Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away

I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.

Me: Are you done cleaning?

7-year-old: No.

Me: So what should you be doing?

7: Hiding.

She cleans like me.

Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.

I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.

Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest

INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:

1.Know when to hold em

2.Know when to fold em

3.Know when to walk away

4.Know when to run

embroidery proof arrived and as expected, it does not make my wife laugh

disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project

boss: what about blood

disguised vampire: huh?

boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right

disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean

It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.

People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.

Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.

I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.

If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.

WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?