Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

911: what’s your emergency

Me: I can’t find my lizard

911: do you have any details

Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it

Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….

If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !

If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.

Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.

Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together

I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸

handsome & gretel

I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.

computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up

Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside

My swear jar has cards in it you take out and scream whatever’s written on them.

Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys

me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]

cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?

me: snow storm?

“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog

exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time

an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today

While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.

To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.

bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road

guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!

bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road

People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT

him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction

me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go

the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”

SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:

was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?

ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?

The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.

Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.

me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003

My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”

Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”

“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus

TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess

Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.