Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?

*Flashback to 2014*

My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.

Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.

Me: there’s no “u” in team

Canadian: we’ll see about that bud

me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you

My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here

women don’t pretend to dig for something in their purse and pull out their middle finger anymore

Please don’t leave that cake alone with me

There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix

“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:

5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)

mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs

5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.

He didn’t hiccup.

He didn’t fake-hiccup.

He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.

like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?

The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation

If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.

Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.

You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.

But God knows I’ve tried.

I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool

Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk

“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.

How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat

A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.

When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.

wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.

4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!

Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!

Like I’d ever share my wine with her.

me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here

therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?

me: haha right on, cya guys

wife: wha-

therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?

[job interview]

“What’s your biggest weakness?”

“My honesty”

“I don’t think-”

“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”

Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.

Me: Why are you threatening me?

Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????

Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?

During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea