*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
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My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.