Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.

2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans

People: *freaking out*

2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.

People: lol ok

The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the world

Banana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?

Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.

cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go

Nobody:

The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse

Whey they go low, I go high*

*can’t bend over due to age

No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool

Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.

You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.

Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?

I hope the cost of living goes down. I’m not built for OnlyFans.

one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks

“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time

“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”

CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan

hotel guest: what room am I in?

me: this is the lobby

manager: can I talk to you

I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.

Mapping America’s Far Right

ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity

ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot

The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime

Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.

astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars

mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-

astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars

mission control: shit

What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy

What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light

Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?

Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.

Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.

Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.

How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.

Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.

I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’

My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.