*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
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Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
Funny that all this nonsense just stayed in people’s heads before Twitter came along.
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible