Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
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Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
I don’t care how comfortable it looks, I’m not buying a chair called a Lovesac.