smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
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My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Scientist 1: I don’t care if you discovered it, we are not naming it THAT
Me: Naming what?
Scientist 2: You know what IT is.
Me: Ohhhh The Hugh ManateeScientists start rage screaming
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
People keep asking me what my problem is and I think I figured it out, though it’s deep rooted and unsolvable — I just wish my name was in Mambo No. 5
My daughter’s throat is so sore she can’t talk, so we’re having her go around and kiss all the other kids
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
To the lady in the black BMW who stuck up two fingers at me after I beeped at her when pulling out of Waitrose car park just now:
Your Louis Vuitton handbag probably isn’t on your car roof anymore.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
-Ordering a pizza $40
-Having it delivered $5
-Having your kids eat the whole thing before you get home
Sliceless
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.