Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did…did a minotaur write this

A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?

her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?

me: bears

me linking you to my twitter

Those three magical words:

“Where’s the plunger?”

The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.

I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.

WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.

ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?

i’ve never successfully skipped a stone. just thrown a lot of rocks straight into water. harassed a lot of fish i guess

Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa

I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.

Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail

…again.

(Now in theaters)

[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*

Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.

Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.

Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.

3-year-old: OK

*breaks into song*

*turns on every talking toy*

*detonates fireworks*

Green is just blue that someone peed in

My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭

I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.

All of my best ideas involve jail time.

if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast

Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.

Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.

How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips

Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.

[News anchor]

“Are things really that bad?”

Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.