Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
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*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
Once you realize there is no going back, a guy with a time machine appears in your life and ruins everything.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.