Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
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How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
I wonder if any student will ever top this email.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
Priests have a different personality when they’re not saying mass, because in the church they’re using their altar ego
…and send
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
My card got declined at the barbershop so they put all the hair in my mouth and squeezed me until it came out of my head
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
huge if true: the moon