smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
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Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
#titanic
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
how much does a mortician urn in a year
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
My neighbors don’t appreciate the vital service that I provide (being first on the walking trail every morning and therefore taking out all the spiderwebs with my face)
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.