Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?

GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?

If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.

Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?

What I said: please stop letting flies in.

What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.

I am religious. I religiously avoid church.

ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions

Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”

*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*

“Same”

superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts

me: this is relatable as hell

If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.

Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks

Tried biscuits in gravy. Not sure why Americans rave about it.

[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*

I moved the karaoke machine from under my bed to the kitchen so I can sing along when cooking. It scares the dog and drives my daughter crazy so I’d say it’s a big hit.

[2 men standing in an empty basement together]

Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”

So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.

WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma

My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite

He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach

If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house

*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.

“old Victorian houses are charming”

I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF

I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.

Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!

Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about

Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.

Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:

1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed

Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.

Me: (awkward silence)

Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.

People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.

My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.

*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face

Now it looks like me.

[ER visits, by age]

Doctor: How did this happen?

Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.