Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.

And I’ve still got time.

Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.

He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.

Now, he’s worth $190 billion.

The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.

“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.

Math at Halloween.

Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?

Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.

Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.

Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.

Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.

My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.

I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.

Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?

Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it

Duck *holding gun* good answer

Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me

Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court

[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this

I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.

Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?

Me: garden hose is fine thanks

My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.

“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*

Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.

Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter

Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…

Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook

Me: Aww too bad

I know everything is expensive right now, but just remember correcting people’s grammar online is still free.

Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”

It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.

Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.

Dear teenage kids of mine,

When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.

So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!

Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning

The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.

My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID

Me: Connor

Kids: The boy next door?

Me: Yep

Kids: We meant out of us

Me: Still Connor

I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes

Legos on the floor by her side of the bed

You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”