Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.

sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?

Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.

Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.

I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.

Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.

Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl

‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people

On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun

i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀

whenever I look up and see a security camera, I like to imagine there’s a guy in some secret control room somewhere in europe who calls his boss on his little headset and says “we’ve got him, sir. he just entered the south hall at the chipotle on main street”

I took biscuits with me on a date once.

She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.

Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.

My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.

Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.

Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…

glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another

Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”

The Lord: “You still have that?”

I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)

Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…

My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.

I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…

I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread

I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough

Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*

Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.

The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.

Nobody:

Absolutely no one:

Not a single soul on this Earth:

Not even their mom:

iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”

A telemarketer just called my cell phone.

I pretended to be a phone sex operator.

HE didn’t hang up.

…things got awkward.

“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.

Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually