Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
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Accidentally turned my clocks back too far and ended up at a Wham concert.
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
he’s a little confused but he got the spirit
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert