Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day

boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means

me: it must be Wednesday

I pride myself on being able to take a joke. That’s how I ended up with so many jokes.

*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*

I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US

The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad

“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”

ME: What do we want?!

“TIME TRAVEL!”

ME: When do we–oh

Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise

Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*

[6 months after the pandemic ends]

Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.

Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”

I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year

Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.

Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me

ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes

my kid: hold my cheerios

my kid: *drops cheerios*

if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.

i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok

I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.

Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations

B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhrist

A.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight

[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty

If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.

ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.

GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-

ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION

Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.

Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?

Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick

Cop: *on radio* get the feds

After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable

Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.

Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.

I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga

Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.

Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.