Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
Poetry is low key problematic. Writing down your feelings in an abstract way and then putting the emotional labor of processing it on me? You know I’m an empath right?
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
wtf is an acronym
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
I shit my pants last week, which is crazy because I’m usually more of a toilet guy.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
DJ Aligator is my favourite musician named after two things that tried to bite me in my twenties.
Overheard a baby crying in the grocery store the other day so I went over and joined him. I get it little dude, life is hard
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
