Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
I try to ask my child questions instead of directly telling him things. I guess he’s picked up on it because yesterday a little voice from the back asked me “mama, what is the speed limit here?” and when I failed to take action he followed up patiently, “is 68 bigger than 65?”
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
This has made my week.
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
I tried getting my ducks in a row but 2 can’t swim, 3 have bad attitudes, and 1 could not pass a field sobriety test if his life depended on it.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
