Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
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SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
sometimes i miss this memes
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.