Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
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My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
You’re not my real can
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
When I was a kid I assumed all Christmas songs were about Jesus because that was all I was exposed to so everytime I heard Last Christmas I was like…why would Jesus do that
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.