Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
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The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
will i understand Nosferatu if i haven’t seen Nosfera 1
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”