Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
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COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
pizza
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance