Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
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Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
Nigella has gone too far this time.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.