Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.

Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance

*sees baby*

*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*

*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*

*sadness evaporates*

I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.

[pushing my son in his stroller]

Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?

Me: 35

Stranger: I was talking to him

Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.

Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?

Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”

“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?

Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?

If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.

Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.

Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?

Me: French please

Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?

“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.

me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep

my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?

As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??

Them: ‘It’s a long story.’

Me: ‘How does it end?’

A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.

I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.

Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.

Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.

I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.

Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this

Day 4: They suspect nothing.

📸:

Not with that attitude

Dog: I have mange

Baby Jesus: I have manger

Dog: It’s not a competition

Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?

*goes home*

Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.

My 2022 Resolutions:

1. Don’t die

2. Race a sloth

3. Develop new trust issues

4. Offend more people by being myself

5. Don’t use hashtags

6. Keep tweeting crap like this

dog: i have to pee

me: for real?

dog: yeah i gotta go

me: alright *lets dog out*

dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*

me: *lets dog back in*

[5 minutes later]

dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this

me: you have to pee

dog: i have to pee lol

My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.

me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting

clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that

Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.