Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. Ironically, smoking bacon will cure it.
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Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
oh so when Moo Deng bites people and falls over she’s “a social media sensation” but when I do it I am “bringing a weird energy to my coworker’s gender reveal party”
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
[on a ladder vacuuming trees so I don’t have to rake]: everyone else is stupid
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
me, late night cleaning: I am an adult woman
also me: I am not opening the blinds to clean the patio door because murderers
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
Voting for coroner
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
Google Pay be like:
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Just tried a “sorry this is my first day” to a customer’s question and he was like I saw you here two weeks ago!
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C