Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. Ironically, smoking bacon will cure it.
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I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
I’ve left my past behind me so if I owe you money sorry I’ve left it behind me
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets