Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. Ironically, smoking bacon will cure it.
You Might Also Like
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
My son had a side hustle of selling Kingâs Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless youâre a holiday
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes âfirst of all, blend your contour before you come for me like thatâ
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment đ
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my sonâs room and tell him itâs raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
âYou use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was â1234â taken?â – me, as a spy.
*Job Interview
Me: âThanks for meeting with meâ
IKEA Manager: âMy pleasure. Have a seatâ(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: âWhat…â
Manager *starts timer*
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.