Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. Ironically, smoking bacon will cure it.
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[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
“Your copier’s not working right. My copies all came out blank.”
“Looks like you ran them through wrong-side-up.”
“So, what, I need to flip them over?”
“Or we could turn the copier upside-down but that seems like a lot of work.”
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
From Facebook just now…
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
what if nobody was president and we all promised really hard to just be good
🤣✨#caturday