Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. Ironically, smoking bacon will cure it.
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I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
Moments before my plane doors closed this guy rushes on and goes “I MADE IT BOYS” and like 10 dudes scattered around the plane started cheering and he high fived them all as he went to his seat. Their boys weekend in Bozeman is about to be a feature film
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
Yup!
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.