Smooooooth
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devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
my dog when i have a friend over
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day