Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
You Might Also Like
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
[doctor hands my wife our newborn son] congratulations
my wife: do u want to hold him
me: yes [picking him up and gently cradling him until i start to cry] wow. he’s so precious
doctor: put me down
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
now i lay me down to sleep
i pray the lord my soul to keep
and if i die before i wake
please hurl my phone into a lake
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.