Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on a ladder vacuuming trees so I don’t have to rake]: everyone else is stupid

My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here

Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.

No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.

PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”

They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”

That suggestion has holes in it.

I got confused by all the yard signs, and I think I may have voted for a realtor.

An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.

Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie

4-year-old: Can I have some floss?

Me: You’re too little

4: But I really, really need it

Me: Fine. *gives her floss*

4:*ties up Barbies*

son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”

[late to work]

boss: well ??

me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal

in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.

“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel

There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain

[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara

Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.

Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro

I ate my exam paper. Which means that pretty soon I’ll pass the test.

LOL

Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.

It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display

I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.

Me: go get em tiger!

Tiger: *mauls everyone*

*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*

5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?

*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*

Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go

5yo: I’m full from leaves

Forget first names. We should just name storms after specific people. If you told me “Jane Ellen Green” (my former trigonometry teacher in high school) was headed my way, I’d be terrified & take immediate cover

Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.

Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore

Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.

{At the last supper}

Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”

Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”

I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole

Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.