Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
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me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Ikea is like the Hotel California of furniture stores
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”