Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.

Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and

ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload

It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t

It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.

I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze

“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December

The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already

There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead

I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity

Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids

[first day as producer]

superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME

me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*

i’m not drinking 2% milk until we figure out what the other 98% is

What’s the best registration plate you’ve seen?

My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.

Who called it baking and not making love

Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.

Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely

Jellyfish 2: you should try dating

Jellyfish 1: idk maybe

Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you

Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?

Plastic bag:

[sex]

GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out

[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”

I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming

Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.

All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects

Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.

Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.

please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody

one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk

we’ve been teaching the 2 yr old about cutlery and setting the table for supper and, well,

People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.

[Running away from home]

Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!