Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.

Intel’s responses are magic:

– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.

– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.

– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.

Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.

2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah

I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.

Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.

My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.

You say you like to live your life dangerously, but are we talking drinking coffee at night dangerous or bungee jumping off a bridge dangerous?

Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that

[later]

Me: you have nice eyeball hair

Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH

There’s so much going on 😂😂😂

All-purpose flour out there like screw you single-use flours I can do anything

Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.

A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time

*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*

I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.

9: Whatcha watching?

Me: Tiny Houses.

9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?

Me: Two people.

9: Are they married?

Me: Not for long.

an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard

[First Date]

Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener

Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”

me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]

to make olympic skateboarding more realistic they should release kids with scooters into the park that the competitors must navigate around

Tell me why I had to find out via HGTV house hunters that my OBGYN is searching for a house in Florida bc SHES MOVING???

Me: Dear Santa…

Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.

Remember to not aim fireworks at anyone unless it’s that person who keeps microwaving fish at the office

Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.

Wife: how’s potty training been today?

Me: he peed twice!

Wife: that’s great!

Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.

Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?

I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.

One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.