Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
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Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
Ok but actually
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
How animals would run if they were human
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?