Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
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I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard
Gravestone inscription “Hey guys, I’m going to be taking a little break from social media”
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open