Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
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Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
Signatures as a form of legal identification purely theatre at this point. You’re telling me I can make pretty much whatever squiggly line I want on this piece of paper and now I control my father’s pesticide company? Grow up.
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
Get better soon! (I know you’re not sick, I just think you can do better)
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
Word: Your document is auto-saved. No need to save.
Computer: *Crashes
Me: *Opens document
Word: You’re not gonna believe this…
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
It’s fitting to watch a Mike Tyson fight with the picture clarity of an 80’s TV.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.