SMS passcode is 1477178 in case anyone needed it. They said to not share it but I’m trying to live in an abundance mindset
You Might Also Like
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
Door dash is the closest thing I’ll ever experience to being actual royalty like bring me a dozen freshly made donuts and a bottle of your finest bourbon!
But your majesty, it’s 9:30 at night and…
I said be quick about it!
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
There’s never enough good news
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradableif you care about the planet have unprotected sex!
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
