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First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.