Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.

THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.

[first day as an ambulance driver]

ME: *crashes into a light pole*

PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet

“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly

Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.

Delete your tweet.

On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.

Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China

At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.

The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.

My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.

Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.

Monday: *exist*

Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*

I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.

DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.

The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.

When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.

me: how did he die?

him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants

me: a parade

him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral

When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.

My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills

i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”

My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.

I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.

Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.

PREACHER: any prayer requests?

3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread

Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.

If this can be a salad, you can be anything.

The timeline of microwave popcorn:

< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential

Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.

According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.

[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken

judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”

Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight