You Might Also Like
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
stages of moving house
1. omg i have so much stuff i’m so stressed
2. wait i don’t have that much left i’ll be fine
3. omg i have way more stuff than i thought
4. fuck. the kitchen
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
Person in murder documentary: This is a small town. Things like this don’t happen here.
Me: Um, based on the shows I watch, that’s ALL that happens in small towns.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
A fun thing for an author to do would be to have the last line of the book be something like “he said, in his Jamaican accent, which he’d had this whole time.” Make the audiobook narrator have to start the whole thing over.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare
Librarian: which one?
Me: William
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.