*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
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Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Has anyone thought of putting together a montage of celebrities singing Imagine to help get us through these economically challenging times
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.