*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
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“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
Nativity season is upon us! My son has been cast as a wise man. My daughter, on the otherhand –
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
hate when you tell a hilarious story and then everyone’s like “omg im so sorry that happened to you?????” like get with the program honey we’re laughing about this
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”