Snack for election night!
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me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop