Snack for election night!
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“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
Have you ever taken a nap so good you think you’ve missed the school bus but it’s Sunday and you’re 56
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
This is Narla. She was not allowed to go to the park. And now you are not allowed on the couch. 13/10
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
It’s an epidemic…
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*