Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.

When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.

Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.

Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.

Waiter: how does the chicken taste?

Me: WITH ITS TONGUE

The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb

Schrödinger’s cookie

Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats

Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries

Me: Even if I-

Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat

Me: *purrs*

Her: Still no

CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me

I learned about self care from watching my cat.

DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie

THEM: ok

DA: Will Smith is one of the cops

THEM: k

DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc

THEM: no that’s crazy

EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini

#BRIGHTMovie

Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”

Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”

This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.

guys are so hard to buy for

like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??

It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER

Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?

Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks

Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?

Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.

Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.

Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.

My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂

Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge

“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.

Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe

Fidel Castro was alive?

I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.

*Adds track star to resume*

MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?

ME: no

MT: i wasn’t asking

ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were

“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”

~men about to have their bunny boiled

Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.

I don’t want to forget anything so I always make a list before I go to the supermarket:

1. Get shopping
2. Pay for shopping
3. Come home

incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs

*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne Johnson

The world finally knows what the Rock was cookin

COME TO ME JOURNALBOT

*Journalbot enters my study*

ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”

[very sad robot noises]

i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands

What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?